So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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