He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
