i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
