There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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