Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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