sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
