Just fell off a train. Bad.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
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With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
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drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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