I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
