just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
