I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
