Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
