I am in a vortex of obligation.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
