But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
