I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i think my tv is drunk
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
