had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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