my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
