I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
