And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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