i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
