I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
