you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
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