His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
