I just pynch a tree in the face
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
