all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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