4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
