He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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