My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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