omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
