You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
