I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
