Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He better not be in your backpack
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
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The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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