drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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