Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
