I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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