3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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