Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
