my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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