saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
