hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's great music for shaving your balls
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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