You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
