Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
