My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
