i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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