Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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