So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
