I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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