wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
