I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
