I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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