haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Randomize
