the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
