Already got asked if we're dating
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
