Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
