worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
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He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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