Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
