I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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