lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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