I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Randomize
