I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Drunk is a universal language darling
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