why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
